Man of 1,000 Pick-Up-Lines

Pick-up lines are something I've never really understood much. I understand that a guy has to say something to start a conversation, but can't they just say "Hi. I'm Dave" or "Hola, mi nombre es Dave" (it's pronounced Da-vay in the second one). Men have this dire need to seem intelligent and witty, but in my opinion pick-up lines just prove you're lazy and unoriginal. Most guys just use one, or two if they're desperate, but I recently met a man who I kid you not- only spoke in pick-up lines. 

I was just relaxing at home one day when a family friend knocked on my front door accompanied by a tall, fairly attractive young man. The family friend, a very nice older lady, had decided that I needed to meet her Grandson who was visiting from out of town. It was some holiday or other and there was going to be a big fireworks display that night, and she invited me to enjoy the night spectacular with her and her tall, fairly attractive grandson Jake. Not about to turn down an enjoyable night of flirting (one of the things I'm best at), I heartily agreed to go.

We arrived at her house, and Jake had yet to speak a word. Once we were free from the supervision of his grandmother- he surprised me with the phrase, "Is your name Virtue?". I thought he was an idiot, I had been introduced to him not five minutes before and he'd already forgotten my name! I replied "No...It's Rikki remember?" (I usually go by Rikki, it's less...spicy than Paprika)He looked at me like I was stupid and said "Oh, I thought your name was Virtue...because you've been garnishing my thoughts unceasingly!"

Oy....Vay...

And that wasn't even close to the worst!! I honestly don't believe that he said anything to me the entire night that wasn't a pick up line! 

I told him I wasn't very hungry because I had a big lunch. He said "Did you have Lucky Charms? because you look magically delcious."

We walked past a mirror and he stopped and said "Wouldn't we look cute on top of a wedding cake together?"

I was trying to talk about something, anything but pick up lines and he said "If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

I gave up on trying to have a real conversation and he asked me if I wanted to hear a story. He must have mistaken my look of dispair for a look of eagerness because he proceeded to take my hands, open them up and put his fists in them. "These turtles" he said " are both stranded on different islands, and there are sharks between them. Isn't that sad?" I nodded. He began moving his hands up my arms saying, "The turtles found a hidden bridge that led them both to a magical land" By the time he finished, his hands were behind my neck, he started slowly pulling my head closer to his and said "So...do you still want to talk about turtles?" He didn't even give me time to respond, or Roundhouse kick him in the face before he spouted his next gem. "Rikki there's something in your eye." When I moved to touch my eye he said "Oh wait, it was just a sparkle".

Thank goodness he finally shut up once the fireworks started, otherwise he would have been murdered with the plastic knife I had stolen from the table. I left as soon as the fireworks were over, barely pausing to even say goodbye. 

I had barely gotten home when I got a text from Jake,who had stolen my phone earlier saying that something was wrong with it because his number wasn't in it.

It said "Thank goodness I bumped into you tonight, now I get to tell all my friends that I was touched by an angel." 

My brain exploded. I woke up six months later in a hospital in Nicaragua. Jake woke up the next day in the bottom of a ditch. 

So it goes.

Paprika